Rse

And now, as Monty Python would no doubt say, for something completely different. Something that has been bugging me immensely for the last...OK, since this afternoon. But play along. Please.

This is going to sound mad.

It's the letter R.

Yep.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's a nice letter. Gives a lovely rough sound to words. And, hell, I wouldn't be able to spell my surname without it. Shane Ynhat doesn't sound quite as catchy. No, what I have an objection to, or at least an annoying niggle about, is that it sounds exactly like the verb 'are'.

See, it sounds like a stupid thing to get annoyed by. But I hate it so much. It's so damned confusing, when you think about it. Language should be conclusive. No, that's wrong. I'll try and sum up at the end, this is getting me nowhere.

Anyway, R. Now, I was walking past a budget store in town today. Outside was a sign. I can't remember the exact wording, but it was along these lines, so I think you'll get the gist.

"WE 'R' THE BEST"

...

What?!

OK, so you're using the letter 'R' as a replacement for 'are'. I get that. But why shove inverted commas around it? It's either:

a) To show that they've contracted are, in which case the inverted commas are in fact apostropes. At least this shows a (debatably) good grasp of the English language.

b) To show that they're trying to be witty, implying that they know it's a bad spelling and that they're doing it for a joke. You should, hence, probably be laughing. All the way into the shop, presumably.

c) They genuinely can't spell.

Now, my problem with a) is that they might as well have just put the 'a' and the 'e' on either side of it. 'R' has the same amount of characters as ARE, so it's not going to help with your Twitter updates. And there was plenty of space left on the sign, so that's no excuse.

My problem with b) is that it is quite clearly not witty. Toys 'R' Us have been doing it for the last two decades at least. Probably longer. And even they have the same fucking problem.

So what's the point?!

There isn't one, is there?!?!?!?!

Look, there's nothing wrong with 'are'. I know all the 'kids' are doing it, with their funky text messaging, 1337 speaking and all the rest of it. But you are a respectable shop on a busy high street. I at least expect you to use correct grammar. Or, failing that, a full page poster explaining your intentions. Or a letter to everyone in town by way of warning.

Sorry, this is sounding like an open letter to the manager of said store via The Times now, isn't it? Oh well. Anyway, back to what I was saying earlier:

When sentences are ambiguous, that's fine. It's fun. The double entendre is based around that very principle. But words? Letters?! That's just ridiculous.

Just say 'are', yeah? It'd just make things so much better. It might even solve world hunger, stop the war in Iraq and generally make modern society get along a lot better.